| I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now. | |
| When chemists die, they barium. | |
| Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. | |
| I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time. | |
| I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me. | |
| This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. | |
| I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down. | |
| I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. | |
| They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O. | |
| We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz. | |
| Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? | |
| Broken pencils are pointless. | |
| I tried to catch some fog, but I mist. | |
| What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. | |
| I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. | |
| All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on. | |
| I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. | |
| Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes. | |
| A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy. | |
| The earthquake in Washington obviously was the Government's fault. | |
| Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too. |
66118oh my god
you can’t just ask someone why they’re white.
(Source: masterofthemanor, via stripesandteeth)
| god: | hey baby |
|---|---|
| god: | did it hurt |
| god: | when you fell from heaven? |
| satan: | you're a fucking dick |
Oh my god, this is amazing.
Why had I not seen this before?
REBLOG AND SEE WHAT YOU GET
wellsomemaysayineedtobeafraid:
Red - I love you.
Deep Red - I’m in love with you.
Pink - I could stay on your blog for hours.
Yellow - You’re amazing.
Peach - I miss you.
Blue - I want to get to know you.
Purple - You’re hot.
Brown - I would have sex with you.
Green - I would date you.
Black - I hate you.
White - Delete your tumblr.
Violet - Go die
(Source: kushandtits, via deshmund)
I don’t avoid eye contact because I’m shy.
I just want to avoid a Pokemon battle.
(via h0stel)
(Source: fyeahroleplayingrabbit)
